Feelin' a Little Separation Anxiety....

Oi...I need to write on this thing more! Sorry!! So, I've been going at a Geology midterm since Thursday the 7th. That's almost two weeks of studying for one stupid midterm. I swear this class is going to be the death of me. But I'm going straight to bed after this and getting some rest to take it tomorrow. After this midterm, life will somewhat return to normal. Finals are NOT going to be hard AT ALL. A breeze actually. I just have to study for one of them and it's the last one on the 12th and I just need to barely pass it. So it's all good! :D In the meantime, I need to get my New Yorkin' goin' on!...and yes, that is a word. I made it up myself. There's SO MUCH TO DO! I have a bucket list for the city before I leave and only half of the things are crossed off. I gotta get goin! I'm waiting to hear from my friend Robert, an intern at SNL, about tickets to Jimmy Fallon. Super fun! I plan to wait in line and hopefully get into SNL for my birthday. I head to Buffalo next weekend and a special surprise after that, which I cannot reveal until at LEAST the 25th. I'm planning on taking class at Alvin Ailey, Merce Cunningham, and Equinox within my last two weeks or so of school. Charlye Dehart and I plan to do LOTS of stuff like biking through Central Park, going to Magnolia's cupcakes, and spotting a famous person in SoHo or West Village (I still can't believe I haven't spotted one in the 5 months I've been here!) Wednesday this upcoming week is my last week of institute classes. Friday I head to the Brooklyn Bridge with Charlye and we're going to get some goodies at Ferrara's in Little Italy afterwards. There's SO much to look forward too. Today, after church, I got a little down because I know my time is running out here in the city, at least for a while. Maybe after I graduate in two years work may take me there or something. Who knows?! But I wanna live it up while I have a little time left. I love it here. I've had a lot of trials and hard times, some which have been mentioned on this blog, but not all. And I am extremely grateful for it. I'm especially grateful to my friends and family- mom, dad, Braden, and Grandma for supporting me financially and morally, and allowing me this happiness and adventure. I've learned SO much about myself. These next few weeks are going to be great! I can feel it. It's in the 50s and 60s so the weathering is finally perking up. Let's do this!!! :D

I'm Not Content with Where I Am.

There is SO much to talk about. General Conference being one of them, but I've decided as of now that I will talk about that later. It is currently 11:30pm on a Monday night and my right forearm is sore form golfing so this post shall be short. I wanna go to bed. Why is it that I never like where I am?? I always need to be somewhere else. I think that is one of the reasons why I like travelling so much. I get bored fast. Whenever I schedule something, I just want it to hurry up and get here already! Why can't I just enjoy what I'm in? It's frustrating. Like, for example, my first semester at ASU I was away from home, for a long time, by myself, for the first time ever. So I was calling my parents 7 times a day and crying because I wanted to go home. Then I did go home. And it was boring. Nothing was going on. No one was around. All of my friends were off at college or working, my parents were working, and Braden, my brother, went to school. When they got home, they were all busy doing homework, cooking dinner, and trying to get things done. I just kind of sat there. I went to dance classes as often as I could. But other than that, it was humdrum. So why did I want to go home so badly? The same here in NYC. There's times where I just want to go back to ASU and get my classes done and graduate. Since I'm not there, I want to be there. And because I'm complaining about missing out on stuff in AZ, I miss out on cool stuff here, like Justin Bieber performing live for free in Times Square!!! How could I miss that!? And then I get bitter about how I'm in the thick of things, where everything happens and where many people want to be, and I'm not participating in any of it! Ahhh! Why can't I just be grateful?! Hahaha. I am grateful. Today, I went with my friend, Hannah Wright, to her school classes. She's a dance major at Juilliard. It was AMAZING to watch. And she told me that we can get together and use the space there to practice. Uh, YES!! She's an amazing dancer, 10x better than I will ever be. She's beautiful, elegant, and an amazing friend. The rehearsal space we're using has 1 wall, a wall of windows, a wall of mirror, and another wall of windows overlooking Lincoln Center, with a perfect view of the NYC LDS Temple in view. It's beautiful.  I can't wait to practice with her. I'm going to work hard!! In addition, Danielle Pearson and I are planning to attend classes at Dance New Amsterdam, Alvin Ailey, and Cunningham, among others. I just hope I can afford it. There's still over half of my things to do on my "Shelby's Amazing New York To-Do List" before I go. Many many many things. The last week of April I am looking forward to, and yet I won't. Because I won't be here. In NYC. Go figure.

Sick, Home Sick, and Learning....

So, this is the second time I got sick this semester....which is very odd for me. I, of course, wanted to go out and explore the city, see the sights, take dance classes, audition, all that good stuff. However, when I got sick Wednesday night, I did not take that into account. Juilliard changed my mindset. Friday night I went to a dance performance at Juilliard. My friend, Hannah Wright, was in it and she was beautiful. They all were. This reminded me of the importance of persistance and dedication to my craft. I can't allow myself to go crazy. I have to take care of my body. And being sick, I realize how much of it I take for granted. So, when my friends told me their plan to going to the Statue of Liberty, a Broadway musical, the Bronx, and a bunch of other fun things, it hurt me to turn them all down. I wanted to go, SO BADLY. But I knew that my body wouldn't allow it and that I need to speedily recover. So, I spent the whole day in my room, watching Netflix and drinking Naked juice and hot cocoa. At one point I went next door and bought a fancy sandwich for lunch, a vending machine for a treat, and Walgreens for dinner. I bought simple things and things that I needed for a well balanced diet. I need the nutrients, especially now more than ever. A perk of being sick, is that I always lose weight and slim down to a beanpole again. I love it. But now I need to keep it that way. No more junk. Which is hard to get around in college. :P So after about 4-5 movies and going into a 6th, I realized I hardly talked to anyone all day. So I called my dad. My cousin, Katy, just got baptized and they were at the party. So they passed the phone around and I got to talk to everyone. At this point, I realized how much I missed my parents. I wanted them here. I wanted to pay for 2 tickets to NYC and bring them here this instant. I love them so much. And at times where I am at a big low, emotionally or physically or spiritually or any other "ly" word you can think of, is when I want them near. They boost me up. They know exactly what to say. And for me, the hugs and kisses they give are priceless, touching, comforting, and warm. When I am sick, that is when I want at least one of them near. I want them at my side, stroking my head and handing me orange juice and watching chick flicks with me. Any other girl would want their boyfriend doing that. But I don't have one of those hahaha. And honestly, I think I'd choose my parents over him if I did. As I finished my conversations, the phone was handed back to my dad. I could tell he was closing our conversation and going to hang up. Tears streamed down my face. I'm such a sap. I had a flashback to when he left at the beginning of the semester. When I wanted to run after him but didn't and sorrowfully regretted it. I said goodbye and grabbed some tissues. I took some Nyquil in hopes I would conk out soon and fast. I love my family. I am so grateful for them. I wouldn't trade them for anything. I keep boggling with this idea of being "famous" and becoming really well known within my field, working with celebrities and "making it" in the business....and I so easily forget my blessings. This journey to the Big Apple, I thought, was about getting closer to my dream and becoming a better dancer than ever before. Instead, I got billions of trials thrown my way, a hard and REALLY fast semester to endure, and friendships I hope will last a lifetime after I leave. I don't know what will happen after graduation. I don't know if my dreams will come true, or if they change, or if they stay constant. All I know is, I WILL be happy in the future. Because I have family. I have loved ones. I have friends who are extremely supportive. I have Heavenly Father. It is all so wonderful. I've even met other LDS members who are "making it big". One is a phenomenal dancer and Miss New York City. One is a successful performer on Broadway. One is an accountant on Wall Street. They are all so humble and grateful. I try not to envy them and I definitely look up to them. I still have about 5-6 weeks left, and a family vacation after that. I hope to get more done in that time- auditions, dance classes, experiences, sightseeings, SO MUCH. But I have to get better first. And I have to be more disciplined with my body. Until next time...

Spring Break Madness: Part I

What a relief!! Spring Break is HERE. Friday night I ended up studying and taking half of a final in the library with Nate Henderson, a good friend of mine. Afterwards we went to a diner. He got a full on deli plate and I got a walnut sundae. YUM. Then he walked me home. I went to bed around 12:30 and I wish I went to bed earlier. I got up the next day and went to an audition around 11am. I knew I wouldn't get it because of my build. They were looking for younger, smaller, athletic builds. I was too tall and curvy I suppose. But it was a good audition nonethless. I felt like I did a good job. I need to learn how to do double pirouettes on pointe though. That was the only downside. I felt like I performed well and it was nice to not feel jealous or get other people in my way of performing. I just focused on myself. It was great. I came back and packed for D.C. and grabbed some food. I walked from 16th and 4thAve to 31st street and 8th ave with two REALLY heavy bags. THAT SUCKED. Hahahaha. I also had more drama with my roommates. They were upset that I left the dishes in the sink too long and I disrespected their stuff. So they made me go get my own dishware. I can't afford my own dishware and it only needs to last two months, which is so dumb. But I had to figure it out or I would be eating out for the rest of my stay here. With that drama up in the air, I got on the 5pm train to D.C. I pulled in around 8:30 and Nikki and Adam picked me up around 9pm. They were telling me about all of the cool sights as they drove me to their home, even though I already knew what they were. Hahaha. It was fun to hear some facts that I didn't know. We got to their home in Fairfax and we just ate a bit and chatted, getting to know each other. Nikkie is my first cousin once removed and she is almost 32 weeks pregnant with her first child. It's really exciting. We all went to bed around 2am. The next day, I woke up at 10:30am with church starting at 11!! I rushed to get my make up and change and we made it just as the opening hymn ended. WHEW. We enjoyed our three hours of church and the last hour I helped Nikki out with her primary kids. Then, we went home and made sandwiches, packed some chips and grapes and waited for Adam to come home. Then we drove to this park that was right between the Washington and Jefferson memorials. We had a pinic lunch, the three of us and their two dogs. It was a BEAUTIFUL day. Afterwards, we walked to the Jefferson memorial after realizing that none of us had been. It was quite a walk. I'm surprised Nikki did it being so pregnant. After that we went home. Adam took a nap because he didn't get a lot of sleep the night before and Nikki and I started watching "Coco Chanel". We paused halfway through to have breakfast for dinner and I made chocolate chip cookies. We finished the movie and went to bed once again around 2am. Monday, I slept in 'til around 10:30 again. Such a bad habit. Nikki had visiting teaching that day so I basically worked on homework and my english final. We went to Tyson's Corner, a HUGE mall, and saw "The Adjustment Bureau". We came back and talked some more and I finished my homework. I ended up watching 2 James Bond movies because I couldn't fall asleep before 2am!! Adam has a collection of 007. It makes me very happy. Tuesday morning I was up at 9:30 and ready by 10. Nikki took me to the Dollar Tree and I bought a mug, plate, bowl, stirring spoon, and baking sheet for $5. We went to Bed, Bath and Beyond and got silverware for $6. Hopefully this will resolve my stupid roommate issue. I've realized the stress from them makes me sick. Like, I literally don't feel well. Then, I went and got a manicure to help relax me. Then we rushed to the hospital for Nikki's ultrasound. Her baby is doing well. After that, they took me to the train station. I met up with Genoa Ward, a friend from NYC who was also visiting DC and we went to the space and flying section of the Smithsonian. We walked around a bit and after an hour, we went back to the station. He got a bus ticket and I went on my 5pm train back to NYC. I came home, switched out clothes, left my dishes, and left again to Charlye Dehart's dorm. We just got up and moving for the day, I spent the night, and we're baking and listening to Disney music today. :D We're going to Doughnut Plant because it's supposed to be amazing and I have to go before I leave the city. I leave for Philly tomorrow. Did you get all of that?! WHEW. It's a busy Spring Break but I'm enjoying it.

Just a Little Bit I like To Call...

What a week!! I feel like I should be on Spring Break THIS week because so much happened over this past weekend. I went to Top of the Rock with Charlye, which is SUPER FUN and watching movies on Netflix (thank you, Sylvia). Monday I was on the Today Show THREE times :D :D and my parents and grandma saw me on TV. Heehee! I got to shake Al Rokers hand and Hoda was spotted too. It was really fun but really cold. It was 35 out and I didn't layer enough. So I left after Al did the weather. It's all good. I did it. Checked it off my list.

This week has gone by SO fast. Which is good, since I want Spring Break to start. But at the same time, I have SO much to do before I can do all my break stuff and I don't have enough time to do it all....or I do have enough time but I end up on Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube instead of actually doing it. You pick which one. ;) But it's crazy. Because I have a lot of stuff due when I get back and I won't be around, I have to get it done now. I'm also trying to finish up my plans and figure out my financing for all of my destinations. On top of that, in about a week or so, my parents are going with Kayla Chandler to check out apartments so I'll have a place to live when I get back to AZ. So we've been apartment hunting online too. It's craaaazy! So much going on but SO fun.

I've also added another little thing to my list. I'm emailing Justin Bieber. Hahahaha! I send him a message on his YouTube once a day and title it "Message for the Day" each time. Maybe he'll catch on?? heehee. It's fun. I feel like we're pen pals or something. I just write to him about my day, ask how he is, like you would any other friend. It makes me feel like he's more human, "talking" to him so normally. I don't know. Maybe I'll start doing it for other celebs too. It's kinda fun!!

That's about it for now. OH! And my stomache problem I talked about earlier? It's worse than ever. SO BAD. I'm considering finding some sort of doctor or help that I could possibly check out. It feels awful. But I've noticed that whenever I eat fruit- especially oranges- I don't have a problem. But PAH-LEASE. I am NOT spending the rest of my life JUST eating fruit. Food is so good.....

Dance Ups and Downs

Okay, so dance. It's the reason I'm here. And it frustrates the crap out of me. I truly love it but there are times where I think, "Wow, if I just decided to stop dancing right now, SO much pressure would be gone!" I wouldn't have to worry about my figure as much (I mean, not let myself totally go, obviously) but I wouldn't have to be a food nazi. I wouldn't be as hard on myself. Something is always "wrong" with me. I don't have "the look". I can't get my triple pirouette right. My leg isn't straight enough. I do want to perfect my craft but there are times where I just don't feel good enough to make it in this industry. I am grateful that I have a bunch of auditions coming up. I don't plan to book ANYTHING. I don't have time to dance on a cruise for 9 months or spend a whole month out in NY just to be in a ballerina show for a few hours a night. It's not going to happen. So I can get the audition experience a little bit. But I feel SO pressured. There are a couple of people back home and in Arizona that say, "Can't wait to see you on Broadway!" "You'll be famous!" "New York is going to change your life!" Well, it has. It has changed my life IMMENSELY. I've discovered myself so much. I've also confused myself like there's no tomorrow. And because I feel so pressured to be on Broadway, I am working my butt off trying to put myself out there as a performer and not getting anywhere. Why? Well, I'm still in school so that stops me from a lot of things. I can't get an agent for example. So for a while, I wasn't sleep, so anxious, jittery, it SUCKED. I eventually developed this stupid stomache problem. I feel nervous all of the time. And it's because I want to make it in the industry. I know what I want to do, who I want to work with, etc. but getting there is SO difficult and it's not going to happen in one semester. It probably won't happe until after I graduate. So I just need to CHILL OUT. I keep telling myself that. Heavenly Father is guiding my life and bringing the opportunities to me. I just need to embrace everything and be happy where I am. It's SO hard to remember that a glimpse in the limelight on this earth menas absolutely nothing compared to the glory and amazing blessings of Heaven for eternity after this life. I need to remember this. It's hard but it's a trial that I am becoming more grateful for everyday! This post is a little shorter because I need to go to bed NOW. I'm going to try to get on the Today Show tomorrow morning. Up at 5am! Let's do this!! Swagg. :D Muah! Love you all!

Patience is a Virtue.

Wow. I sincerely apologize for such a long tim inbetween posts. ANYwho, this past week has been quite a week! Monday, the 21st, I went with Charlye for a few hours checking out toy stores Toys R Us and FAO Schwarz. We did everything! We rode the ferris wheel, ate ice cream, went through all of candy lands, Jurassic Park, Willy Wonka, Barbie, Star Wars, Toy Story, Playmobil, Hot Wheels and more! We played on the Big Piano at FAO Schwarz. It was SUPER fun. Pictures of memories are on Facebook. Charlye is such a sweetheart. She's one of my best friends in the city. Tuesday was an uneventful day, other than I started a Geology class online. Wooooo...Wednesday was fun. We learned how to make Enchilada Casserole and Chicken Pot Pie from a married couple that live in the penthouse of our dorms. Oddly enough, while I was eating what we made, I started to feel kinda sick...and I don't think I've recovered. It's been almost a week. Thursday I went with my CA and her friend to a Haitian Matter Awareness Conference and they answered questions from the audience. I kinda went just to go...it was kinda boring....Friday was probably the most amazing day of my life. At 5 o'clock I got on the Subway and got to the Lincoln Stake Center by 5:30. With a few of my friends, we saved our seats only 8 rows from the pulpit. At 7pm, Elder David A. Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles entered the room and he and an Elder Clayton of the Seventy did a Q and A with us. It was PHENOMENAL. I felt so peaceful, so happy, my eyes were WIDE open as I hung onto every word he said. I was in awe. He spoke about so many things but just seeing him in person made my life! When it was over, I quickly walked up to the pulpit and as I approached him, I didn't know what to say. So I said, "Hi Elder Bednar. Thanks." really quietly and then thanked Elder Clayton as well. I walked off the pulpit and the huge line to shake his hand began to form. I started crying. I could not stop. I cried through the entire meeting and then some. I hung around for about an hour or so. I didn't want to go to the Ice Cream Social and I didn't want to go home. Eventually, everyone left and Elder Bednar was still by the pulpit. I walked over to him quickly and said, "Elder Bednar, may I ask you a question?" He shook my hand and said, "Make it quick." I told him about my struggles with dance and how a lot of aspects of my career choice contradict my standards. What should I do? The way he looked at me was priceless. He nodded his head, as if he understood exactly what I was talking about. Because he did. He's never been in that position personally, trying to make it big as a dancer, but he knew and understood my situation. I felt the love of God SO strongly! In short, he told me to read the Family Proclamation and to remember that I have an important role in the plan. He told me to pray about it, wishing the best for my career, but to remember that Heavenly Father will show it to me if I keep on the path. I thanked him, he shook my hand, and left. He was an absolute sweetheart. I adore him. Saturday, I went to the Ivy League Conference and I was the only one there who wasn't from an Ivy League school. We had lunch, pizza, a scavenger hunt across NYC and had a fireside with a great speaker who is big in the fashion industry and LDS. I hope to get in touch with him. In addition, we went out for Thai dinner, Hungarian dessert, and socializing. I met some fun people. Sunday I played in church, as that is my calling in the ward now. Later that night, I went to Carol's apartment. A friend of a friend. She lives in the same apartment that Tom Cruise did in the 80s! Super cool!! We had fun snacking and watching the Oscars with other LDS friends. This past weekend has been very spiritual. A theme kept coming back, and an answer to my prayers. I WANT this. I WANT to work with famous people. I WANT to dance on cruise ships. I WANT to "make it big" so to speak as a dancer and performer. I WANT to get an agent. But I still have to finish school. I need to enjoy my social life. I still need to grow as a person. And Heavenly Father will show me the way. He WILL. He will show me how to balance everything and how to be satisfied with what I want to do with what is expected of me and ahead of me in life. I am so grateful for this weekend. It is frustrating to be patient, but it's worth it.